The unsettled nature of moving and the task to set a new routine was harder and more overwhelming than I anticipated. I realise that I did not prepare myself well enough. I know what the elements are of this new routine that I must devise but I am avoiding the thoughts to be followed by the actions of putting it together. It feels hard and foreign. I am spinning in the saboteur vortex of doubt and uncertainty and I feel as if I have no energy to resist its pull. Taking a stand today has involved doing this virtue pick, sitting down at the computer to type this musing and sort through the many thoughts to make sense of them, showing up at devotional gatherings and letting prayers wash over me, and turning to the Sacred Writings for nourishment. I am a creature of habit and routines are what ground me and keep me moving forward. When something shifts to interfere with my routine, I feel off kilter and adrift without a tether. But what if that sense of feeling untethered is simply an emanation of my mind that is false? Trustworthiness is a spiritual quality that is anchored within me and the expression of it is solely my choice. It never leaves me but rather, I distance myself from its reality.I read in the Baha'i Writings that I, along with all human beings, have been created noble, that I possess the spiritual capacity to be powerful and contribute good things to this world. This is the trust within us all. How do I ensure that my thoughts and actions are worthy of this trust? For sure, going through life avoiding this truth is not the way forward. One of the passages that I read states :"In all thine affairs put thy reliance in God and commit them unto Him." We are instructed by this passage to rely on God, thus God trusts us to this and now it is for me to become worthy of that trust. The past three days I have not been doing this. Instead I have been going it alone and obviously that has not been giving me anything more than a plate full of misery. It is time to reconnect with my foundation, to rely on the divine friendship that is the one constant thing in life. It will be a process of pain and struggle but it needs to start somewhere.
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