Last week I participated in an indigenous learning group with some women from my city. I intentionally joined this group wanting to learn about indigenous culture and collaborate in conversation about race unity. The conversation remained distant, to me it was exploration of the indigenous culture from an intellectual stance that was far removed from the issue. Despite my desire to want to leave the virtual room, which I was hosting, I remembered that I need to stay in the room even when things get uncomfortable. Then one of the alfa-females prefaced her next comments with "I don't know if I should say this..." I thought, ok here comes the bomb, brace yourself Oonagh! I will paraphrase what I heard. She said that she is frustrated by all of the focus on residential schools in Canada, those institutions that were created to intentionally socialise and reprogramme indigenous children in settler culture. She went on to say that: why is it that they cannot just get over it. I could not moderate my behaviour but my back spontaneously reared and my eyes widened. It was visible on zoom. In these moments I have learned that it is never good to say anything. She then added that she knows there is something wrong about feeling this way and she wants to explore it. I did not remember that last piece until days later. Shortly after she said this, one of the members said, "Oonagh, what do you think?" I was still trying to reclaim my composure but all eyes were on me. Here was the moment, the opportunity to be authentic. I began with how uncomfortable I was feeling at that moment and then began to address how the oppression of the indigenous people began hundreds of years ago and shared a little of what I was learning about post traumatic slave syndrome. This interested the group and changed the trajectory of the meeting. I have been thinking about the comments this woman made. What if the feelings she described are a result of trauma? We know that the effects of systematic oppression have palpable effects on the enslavers and their trauma, what if this trauma involves being unable to adequately access empathy? I recall a scene from the film 12 years a slave, where the wife of the slave owner dismisses the despair of a slave woman who has had her child taken from her. Tolerance leads to unity if I am willing to look beyond my own prejudice.
In my experience the "why can't they just get over it" stance most often comes from those who have led insulated lives and have no frame of reference for these issues. Like you, my hackles rise when I encounter such attitudes. It's difficult to stay with the issue and not simply react from our gut.