Thankfulness

celebrating life... even the dark bits

As the saying goes it is "darkest before the dawn". When the sun rises it gently sheds its morning light over all creation and the world over, this process is gradual and gentle.This is the process that I neglected to recognise as I sought to emerge from my own personal period of darkness. Nature's phases are gradual as they change although at times it may seem as though it occurs in fits and starts. Last week, I was so sure that I was done with the dark phase and that it had passed. I went about doing things in the manner I would do them when the sun is at its peak. I exerted high energy, crammed many activities into my day. The result was of course intense exhaustion that catapulted me right back into the darkness of lethargy. I wrote last week about a rising awareness of the effects of my menstrual cycle and this week I notice that each day has a cycle to which I ought to devote more conscious attention. Popular wellness culture terms it self-care but I am learning that it is more than that. When I persistently go to bed late watching mindless television, I am depriving my body of the opportunity to heal itself and playing roulette with my circadian rhythm. A game that I inevitably lose. It pushes the entire day off and when I do this for a protracted length of time, imbalance is the only result. I do not feel like myself, cannot access my words to express myself effectively and am moody. Yet I continue to allow the darkness of night to protrude into the daylight hours until it eventually consumes the entire day. This has been my pattern. On the flip side when this darkness passes, and it always does, I move swiftly into the heat of the time of day when the sun is at its highest, exerting high energy and giving my body no time to adjust to the change.I hit the ground running not giving myself the prerequisite warm up it needs to shrug off the inactivity of the never ending night season. The result is of course intense exhaustion. This living of life to the tune of polar extremes has been my pattern for as long as I can remember. It shows up professionally and personally. So how, you may be asking, does thankfulness relate to all of this? Setting out my tendencies so clearly has given me an opportunity to discern the learning from this most recent testing time. To learn that I must exist in a more moderate paradigm has been an existence I have craved but I have approached it in a compartmentalised manner. I tackle my food addiction or my work, or parenting or service to my community. Never seeing it as part of the whole of me but instead problems that need to be solved in parts. Seeing the parts as a part of a whole, allows me a more fuller picture and opens up more possibilities. Additionally, I have taken no time over the past several weeks to regularly reflect on the treasures in my life. There are many and they have been displaying their beauty even under the cover of darkness. I saw only the darkness and thus their beauty remained invisible to me. I know also that a period of darkness is necessary for rest, recuperation and to allow for regeneration. I have been reluctant to emerge from the enveloping comfort of not being seen and avoiding people. Yet friends and family have reached out to me wanting to connect and their love, kindness and fidelity is beyond valuable. I strive to be thankful for the resulting change in appearance that weeks of bingeing and inactivity cause. It has all brought me to yet another level of awareness and understanding. Where would I be without such gifts?