It feels like an age since I have been here to unload the stories behind my virtues practices. I have realised that sometimes the reality of the virtue practice may not reveal itself immediately. It takes a few days of sitting and dancing with it to discern the lesson. Purity has been one of those virtues where I actually scoffed when it first appeared because, erroneously I thought I had this one covered and there was nothing to process. How wrong I was! Over the last few days I have been assailed by negative thoughts stemming from the prodding of old wounds that play old tapes that keep me in an unending spiral of discontent. I had been listening to some uplifting and thought provoking talks that made me catch these thoughts and question them. As I did, the same answers and circle of committee discussion bubbled up. This was unproductive. I needed to update those tapes. I dug deeper to see what was actually nearer the root of these thoughts and talked it over with my husband and friends. The purification process was quite painful as I unearthed some pretty filthy thoughts and purged them. Thing is, there was a part of me of me that did not want to let them to go and then, that part needed some attention and exploration. They had been there so long and hung on so strongly as they have been cultivated for a lifetime. I am not sure that I have expelled them from the root... truth be told I am pretty sure I haven't! What I did do was to turn in prayer and ask for the will to show more love to persons that I was feeling negative toward, to increase the purity of my heart and cheerfulness of my soul. The tests kept coming, next in the form of parenting difficulties which were not new but on account of the freshly furrowed soil of my heart, were felt more acutely. Due to circumstances, divine intervention no doubt, I was prevented from resorting to old negative behaviours. And given the gift of time to sleep and contemplate what the appropriate response should be, I realised that pushing my son down a road that I wanted him to travel was futile. He clearly has a different path he wants to navigate right now. Although, I do not agree with it and with my life experience, I see that he will regret it, I must let him make his own choices - even the wrong ones! It is so hard to sit back and watch but my job as parent is to simply to be there. And voice my opinion, moderately and with composure, when it is solicited. The intention being in this instance is to love him and encourage him, not control and dominate him. Releasing these behaviours by not picking them up as parenting tools. Instead adopting a new approach. It will not have an immediate effect (and I am learning to release this need for instantaneous results too), but it gives me a fresh start to this phase of his youth. It feels light. Perhaps this is the clear conscience and peaceful soul that practicing purity brings about...
Well articulated. Feels like you’re on your way!