Day 15 of the Fast
I continue to work on keeping my heart open and although I am greatly assisted by the forces that are circling during this Fasting period, I would like to be able to maintain this manner of being once the Fast is over, for the year ahead. I know I have just opened myself up to great tests and trials but I would like to really give this a go. It will be a test this week as I go into my activities and interact with others. I also have a meeting at work that is important to me, one in which I know will benefit if I can keep my heart open to everyone present and the matters that are under discussion. Not to mention with my own family, particularly when those parenting and spousal trials come my way. I was reading this morning that there are ways to protect one's heart and still have it remain open. This was intriguing to me and the most interesting aspect was that the best protective clothing for the heart is the fear of God. I have often wondered about what this is and how I manifest it in my heart. I recall that passage I have committed to memory about love never being able to dwell in a heart possessed by fear. I am learning though that the fear of God is different. It actually is what takes away all other fears. As I understand it, it is actually about the love of God and being detached from all else. It is a weapon that I may use against wrongdoing, to guard and deter me from what is unworthy and unseemly. What better way to achieve this than through the practice of prayerfulness! I am one that has an established sacred practice each morning and enjoin my family to do so in the evenings. But honestly, when I am feeling that sense of heedlessness and I have dived into the food where depression and other negative feelings breed, prayerfulness - despite my practice that has been in place daily for several months - is blocked and the inclination leaves me. Hence the depression and negativity really takes hold of me and I find that I am unable to shake it for several days, sometimes weeks. How do I access prayerfulness when I am seized by these feelings? How do I instead of turning to the food to relieve the anxiety, grief, fear, exhaustion or frustration to take these feelings and offer them over to God in prayer? These are questions I hope to answer this year and be more intentional and focused around noticing when these feelings are beginning to surface. I see that I need to turn to prayerfulness and not away from saying prayers and opening my heart to God, despite how I may be feeling at the moment. The other thing that is so important for me to make headway with these questions is to trust, listen and wait for the answers. I am often impatient in wanting to numb the pain, not willing to sit with the discomfort that these negative emotions bring, and giving in quickly to the insatiable hunger that comes up with the discomfort. These are hard things for me to write about and share but I realise to be able to do this inner work then I need to be able to express it, vocalise it and strive to bring about these practices not only when things are going well but when they are not. In the past I have had my heart opened by the Fast and then come out the other end and gone ahead and done the things that I did not want to do. I guess it is that fear of being too open or maybe my open heart was viciously trampled on that I was unable to bear the pain. Whatever the case, I am willing to face this by living more intentionally in the awareness of Divine presence!
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