Perseverance

Remaining committed to my purpose

I was listening to an interview about body acceptance and positivity. Loving such mindset changes into being is such a stretch for me. I am seeking to undo years of conditioning on believing and berating myself for the size of my backside, the breadth of my nose, the darkness of my skin, the size of my feet - and on and on and on. I have sought to restrict my eating in pursuit of what the media has schooled me to understand and internalise their version of a perfect body. I remember thinking that well I am black so I will not be liked anyway so I need not give people another reason to dislike me, so I had better be thin. But my body shape did not conform to the thinness I saw around me. For several years I have been seeking a loving relationship with the curves that I have and to heal from the abuse, self-inflicted on myself in an effort to be someone I simply was not and could never be. I have been on a mission to detach from the values that the media project and really look at myself and see the beauty that exists right in the mirror every day. It is these feelings of inadequacy that have fueled my dysfunctional relationship with food. I am on a journey to forgiving myself for naively believing and perpetuating that I was not good enough. The emotional antidote to all this shame is honour. I am cultivating a trustworthy relationship with myself. I keeps me committed to nourishing my body adequately today, to being the best mother I can be and seeking to see the beauty in the mirror - because it is beautiful! There are lapses as I make these changes and this is where perseverance comes along and gives me a hand out of the proverbial ditch of anger, fear and darkness, and back on the road. It is a journey that I will be traveling until I die. Perseverance keeps me going. It is a loving word of encouragement and a warm hand of accompaniment on difficult days. The terrain is riddled with obstacles but I have what I need to make it through.