Day 14 of the Fast
A podcast that I listened to yesterday really moved me and caused me to reflect on past events in my life. I have often looked back at these events with shame and disappointment for the person I was. I would then daydream on the ways I could have made better choices. What follows then is overwhelming sadness for the loss of what may have resulted had I acted in ways that are available to me now. I realised that I needed to forgive the twenty-something year old me for those choices and release the feelings of resentment I still harbour towards her. The Fast is the perfect time for me to access these feelings and make some headway toward releasing this hold on wishing things were different, one that leaches into who I am today and inhibits my development. So I asked for the virtue that would help me accomplish this. As I read the card I realise that my present self wants to control my younger self and make her behave differently, make the outcomes different. However, if that were in any way possible I would loose what it is I have today and who I have become. The truth is that without those early experiences, I would not have the understanding and outlook that I possess now. So peacefulness involves a practice of integrating and uniting younger me and older me. It is finding those precious points of unity, recognising that that young person was doing the best she could and did not have the awareness I possess today to act in a more wise manner. Those experiences have contributed to the viewpoint I have today and even today I will make mistakes which my elder and wiser self may cringe at twenty years from now! It is the inevitable journey one makes in life. So I embarked on a short visualisation, where I sat with younger me and told her it was alright, things would be ok and that she was forgiven. As the tears flowed peace could enter into my slowly opening heart. This emptying of the heart makes room and invites peacefulness. As Rumi said, "If the brain and belly are burning clean with fasting, every moment a new song comes out of the fire."
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