Orderliness

Freedom in exclusion

Wow! it was in September when I last let my thoughts roam free about this space. I have missed it and now need to reconnect with getting my feelings down in this blog. I am in the process of preparing for a talk that I have entitled "The pursuit of Freedom". The premise is to speak about race and how my understanding of it is impacted by the Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome course that I will complete later this week. I feel as though I have been on a steep learning curve around the awareness of who I am. Most notably I have been learning self acceptance and an appreciation for my body. It may seem strange to you, but I have had to admit that I was not comfortable in my own skin. I spent many years trying to outrun it, escape it, be someone other than me. I did not even realise that I was doing it but as I learn about the impact of trauma so deep, with its roots stretching toward slavery, I see that no matter how far or fast I ran I could not escape it. Since I have been absent on this page, I have developed the language, courage and given myself permission to share. It is scary to do this and I am sure I will be met with strong opinions about the absurdity of what it is I am striving to articulate but, it is my story. One that is evolving to embrace the colour of my skin, my features and all else that links me to my African ancestry. I have been driven to exhaustion in pretending to be something I am not and could never be. This realisation carries with it grief and freedom. The dominant culture does not view me as acceptable or belonging to their circle, and instead of seeing that as something to work to acquire it frees me up to be me. With that comes such relief. I do not have to cow to a framework that works for the benefit of preserving superiority. I may disengage from those chains and walk my own way, unshackled. A journey that will lead me to associate with those that value the inherent interconnectedness of humanity. This is the harmony that orderliness arranges in my life.