Yesterday, after a conversation that was fraught with emotional difficulty with one of my adult boys, I found I was completely drained, spent of all motivation. The conversation when well, I had my say, respected the boundaries that are due to my child as an adult and it was declared by myself and my husband as a success. Yet I was left feeling negativity and angst and then turned those emotions in on myself. I was in unchartered territory resisting my tendency to lecture, fix and instruct. Perhaps as I tiptoed into this new parenting space I was not really all in, though I acted as if I was. I am not sure, but the day ended miserably for me when it ought to have been declared a rousing success. Perhaps I am mourning the loss of parenting a little one, maybe it was one of those milestones that are characterised as "cutting the apron strings". If so, optimism prompts me to look toward the future of our relationship. One in which my son will be able to walk forward with dignity and confidence and not shame from having been demoralised by a talk with his mother. I harbour the hope that I will continue to learn how not to self sabotage when things get hard and uncomfortable but to stand in the glory of being vulnerable, open and flexible in the face of change. The wins that I have accumulated over the past week are many and I trust there will be many more to come. To reframe this experience, I was able to articulate this as a goal in a positive intelligence course that begins today. I have an area of growth to focus on and diminish the powers of the saboteurs that served to darken the day. There is a gift in it all when I take the time to heed the signs.
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