This morning there is heaviness that I am feeling within me. I feel in close proximity to my tears, but not sad, just weighty, not lethargic but delicate, in need of keeping a close eye on the activities of the day to guard my sensitivity, to be gentle and observe a pace of grace. It is strange in one respect, as I do not feel burdened by any particular thing although there is much to be done in this month of intense change and unforeseen happenings. Such a contrast to yesterday, when I was full of energy and zeal, facing the world with joy and delight, rushing headlong into tasks and embracing spontaneity. How appropriate then for me to encounter openness and read that guarding my heart is the exact opposite of what will be of most benefit to me as I move through this day. I am struck by the concept that openness involves sharing thoughts candidly without attempting to manage the responses of others. I realise that I do this often. I say something expecting the other person to accept my point of view, acknowledge my thought process or simply agree and then have to deal with the internal fallout when they do not see things my way. I never thought that what I put out into the world, once I have run things through my own filtering system (which in and of itself is riddled with flaws) to ensure that it is conducive to the building of unity, that I ought to detach from how it is received by the other person. It seems so obvious when I think deeply about it but I realise that it has not been a conscious practice of mine in my relationships. Had it been, I could have saved myself a tremendous amount of heartache. How differently conversations would flow were I would not feel the need to question others viewpoint but only seek to understand and accept. It is clear to me that I harbour many hidden agendas and in particular a most insidious one, that I am right. How freeing it is to breathe deeply through this and release it. Perhaps this may be partly attributable to the heaviness I feel this morning. The day will require me to be in many virtual spaces, interacting with souls who wish to further their spiritual and intellectual development and have an admirably strong desire to be a protagonist to transform their worlds. This is indeed a noble aim and I must acknowledge that their speech and actions flow from their own understanding of what this means. They too, are striving, like me, to be the best version of what an individual is. This, of course, has billions of iterations from person to person but to divert my focus on the fact that they are exerting their own individual degree of effort to achieve this, I can let the compassion flow freely. Opening deeply in this way and orienting my life to acquire and strengthen this spiritual quality requires courage. The courage to wrestle with myself and my persistent preconceived ideas, to gather the strength to shed them and let them wash away down that drain of division and darkness. What my energy levels clearly direct me to today is to listen more and be willing to consider new ideas that my puny mind has not had the capacity to fathom. I truly believe that openness may flow more easily for me when I can free the loving kindness in my heart and let it out for others to feel. For I am trapping it behind these hidden agendas and preconceived notions and thus concealing who I really am. Come on heart, be brave!
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