Mindfulness

dancing through the ups an downs

I have been hibernating for a while, resistant to being out in the light and only wanting to gorge on those things that draw me away from living in the present and escape from the stark reality of life. It has not been a complete physical hibernation. I have emerged for meetings and study circles but as I look back, my mind was elsewhere. I put up a facade of being present and engaged but honestly, my mind remained in hibernation mode. I have spent a lot of time looking at this behaviour in a highly critical way, thinking that this would help me to emerge and show up for life in a responsible and mature way. Like a good telling off ever accomplished anything meaningful. The result was that I retreated inward even further. How was I to resolve this problem? I needed to be able to be more productive, show up more, take care of myself with compassion and love. I am not sure of what the process was behind a feeling of knowing and amassing the energy to emerge into the light of day but it happened. As I reflect on this isolating period, I know that there is a wisdom in it that I am not able to grasp. As I have mentioned here before, I desperately want to develop the capacity to avoid these slumps that I fall into. What I know for sure is that I need to strengthen this spiritual quality of mindfulness. Today I feel much more awake to the world around me, conscious of my actions, words and thoughts. This has been missing from my consciousness. What mysterious thing makes it possible today but outside of my grasp last week? I am looking at the activities I engaged in today that enable me to find my words, the lucidity of my thoughts to create this blog. What jumps out to me is taking the time for prayer, meditation and gratitude - the kind that has an increased quality on account of my approach and mindset when going through the motions. It is through these activities that I am able to access my elusive inner vision, that ability to be able to rise above contention, avoid strife, discern the principle of an issue and thus elevate the conversation, have an acute sensitivity to the thoughts and feelings of others and discern glimmerings of emotional maturity to see the oneness in people. It is the synchronicity that flows, a precious fragile state, when emotions are in balance. This state is within reach at all times when I take the time to seek it, reach for it and earnestly desire it. It is not accessible during my heedless phases as I do not honestly want it. This is hard to admit, as why would I want to live in any other way? What is it that causes me such fear that I withdraw? There can be no concise answer I believe. There is no magic formula but it does involve a change in the spiritual and moral essence of who I am. One that possesses glitches as a result of the effect of the disordered moral fabric of the world. It is my choice to engage when I do not take the time for daily reflection. I am more susceptible to its advances. It is also my choice to not engage, to cultivate spiritual qualities that serve to shield me from it's debilitating effect. It is the dance of a lifetime and strengthening in mindfulness is a valuable tool to evade its influence.