I believe that true wealth exists in the relationships that we cultivate and maintain. This, thought thinkers maintain, is the secret to happiness and successful recovery from addictions. I have been unpacking this concept lately in an effort to read my own reality and get to the bottom of destructive patterns I habitually turn to when the going gets tough. As I took a reluctant walk down memory lane, way back to when I was in the school yard, I noticed that my approach to making friends was fraught with tremendous difficulty. I experienced a lot of rejection early on and subsequently find myself deficient in the ability to wholeheartedly invest in relationships. What does it take to keep relationships whole and strong? In the beginning,I am eager to jump all in, letting my heart loose to attach to anyone that shows me kindness and even seeking to win over those who do not. My heart has been battered and bruised in this process but that is simply what happens when I use it. I am prone to placing my heart in the hands of those that do not want it and I spend time and precious emotional energy striving to deepen the relationship, heedless of warning signs. A side effect from the past of trying to win approval. As I have gotten older, I notice how I am less bothered by the rejection on the outside but my delicate heart does not forget and I find myself erroneously looking for relationship in food, wanting the comfort and numbing to forget the shedding of tears it takes to sustain something beautiful. I believe I am resilient and forgiving when things go wrong but learning not to turn it on myself is a pattern I yearn to break. Perhaps it is about cultivating a better relationship with God to then have an improved relationship with who I am, instead to constantly wanting to forget about it. I have many acquaintances and I want to transform these associations into true relationships to fill the gaping hole in my soul. It is clear from the card this morning that it takes the practice of loyalty to bring this about. It is for me to discern what is required to keep relationships strong and healthy and then to go about and do those things. To be the kind of friend that I would want to have, the type of relationship that nourishes and fills one up. When things get hard, I will challenge myself to put myself out there among it all and move through the dark cloud into the light of someone else's smile. It is a delicate balance for me between taking the alone time I need to recharge my batteries and recover and allowing someone to sit and soothe during the dark times so that they pass by quickly.
Hugs. I'm here.