The past few days have revealed to me that Independence is a challenge virtue for me. I often look to others to define my own value and worth. To support the choices that I am making and validate me as I proceed down a path where my choices lead. When a cross word or perceived criticism is expressed, I am then thrown into this vortex of doubt and emotional instability. Let me relate all this to a concrete example. I have, over the past several years come to realise that my eating is very disordered and I have "binge" cycles. These have progressed over the years to be more and more intense and have escalated to impact my health. I used to think that I was hiding it, despite the forty to fifty pound weight swings. About six years ago my youngest boys began to refer to the times when I would be in binge mode, as a "phase"; Mummy is having a phase, they would say. I was embarrassed and shamed by the fact that one: they had been noticing my eating patterns and two: that if it was noticeable to them who else could see this shameful side of me? Three years ago, I began Bright Line Eating and found some modicum of sanity as I lost weight, learned about the effects of sugar and flour on the brain, explored food addiction, better understood binge eating disorder and found a community of people who shared similar behaviours around food. I felt that I had found the magic pill to solving this elusive problem. [I have come to realise that there is not one single fix but a whole tool box that I am setting about developing.] There was criticism from friends and family who balked at me weighing and measuring my food, abstaining from sugar and flour and not eating between meals. When life got hard, I resorted to my soothing tool of overeating indiscriminately. Thus, giving my naysayers the ammunition they needed to say even more when I would make attempts to resume my programme. These comments, questions or attempts to engage me in discussion around my behaviour, shake the foundation of my fragile emotions. Here is what I do know: When my food is modeled on what I have learned in Bright Line Eating, I am able to focus, have more energy, am able to access my reservoir of creativity and access my spiritual side more readily. I show up in life as the best version of who I am. When I binge, I am lethargic, not interested in connecting with anyone even those in my own home, eat quantities that would surprise and disgust anyone who witnessed it. I show up as someone that is clearly suffering. I choose to stand on ground that others do not understand but I am responsibly caring for myself and supporting my sanity.
Oonagh, I feel that dance between what you want & what you need. You write beautifully about our inner-dependance too. And I recognize every human, myself included, who's suffering with mustering the strength to choose what is right & best within all of life's temptations. I applaude your courage to expose and challenge your Truth within it all.