Honesty

Just being me.

It has been too long since I have been here in this space to sort through my feelings with the help of a virtue. So much has happened, so much I have learned. The news, conversations and social media are a buzz with opinions, facts, hyperbole and empirical evidence on the subject of race relations. I was drawn into this topic which, despite being black, I have avoided. I avoided it because it hurt to hear people speak about the pain of being oppressed. I avoided it because I have suffered greatly at what other black people had said to me. I avoided it because I did not want to see racism as the reason why I lost a job. I gathered up the courage and had my eyes ripped open, history explained to me in accessible language and with passion. When you grow up not knowing the truth of who you are, what your ancestors suffered and achieved despite being totally disadvantaged, I feel you are searching for an inner essence of understanding yourself. I felt lost as result. I stand taller thinking about the resilience, perseverance and courage it took to raise a family in those conditions. It is the same feeling I had after watching the movie Black panther where black women were portrayed with their natural hair, on display for the world to see. There are many profound reasons why that movie was a hit but I went to see it again because there was someone who looked like me, had hair like mine and was beautiful. Trivial but true! In one of the talks I listened to, the professor spoke about how she was teaching her grand-daughter to love herself. She explained the ways in which she was doing this and I remember being intrigued as to why she was mentioning this in a talk on racism, trauma and justice. Then she explained and it hit me hard in my chest. The mainstream media, historically, has not depicted black women as beautiful. I grew up learning to dislike the dark hue of my skin, the tight curls of my hair, the thickness of my lips and the curve of my behind. In those conversations with girlfriends about the parts of my body I did not like, my backside and my hair were always first to flow from my mouth. How different my view of my body would be had I been taught to love it. One of the practices on this card is being happy and content to be myself. I am starting now. I am not going to wait for movies like Black Panther. I have to undo a whole heap of not loving these parts of myself but it is a road I want to travel. Because no one taught me, I need to teach myself. Better late than never!!