What an exasperating conundrum it is to realise that to be happy we must first be grateful! All of the times in my life when I have been unhappy I acquire momentary amnesia. It is easy to be grateful when things are going well, to enjoy the bounties of life and be happy that I am alive. But to be happy when things are not going well, when there is nothing but darkness and my view of the world is tainted with negativity is a state I strive to learn how to do. Take an experience I had earlier this week for instance, when one of my older sons was having a meltdown and got me on the phone to tell me about all of my faults. His approach was to state that we needed to strengthen our relationship because it had these problems. It was hard to listen to and there was a point when my ego got a hold of a remark and I could not contain a snarky retort. I let a hurtful jab slip out, for which I apologised immediately. I realised that it was not conducive to the unity I desperately desired to build in that moment. It served only to fuel is dark mood. While he emptied his heart - which seemed bottomless - I realised that these episodes visit him when he is highly stressed. He is completing a masters degree in a few weeks and the pressure is heavy. This is not an excuse but a vantage point from which I was able to detach from what he was saying. His way of letting off steam is to have such tirades and decimate everything in his path. So how did I harvest gratitude from this experience? I stayed on the phone, even when it reached, what I thought, was my limit. In the past when things have been too much for me to bear, I have had to interrupt him and get off the line, sometimes politely, sometimes with curt abruptness. This time, as I listened I knew he needed a compassionate witness. This I gave. I kept calm and peaceful, breathed very deeply and repeated to myself, "he doesn't mean it..." and "he is upset." There is a beautiful quotation from the Baha'i Writings that I bring to mind and have found so helpful in moments such as these:
"Let not your heart be offended with anyone. If some one commits an error and wrong toward you, you must instantly forgive him." ~Abdu'l-Baha
These words helped me to disentangle myself from what was said and to hear instead anxiety about the future. To perceive that he was focusing my faults to distract him from feeling that he was not enough. I am grateful that after a two hour stretch, I suggested that we say a prayer. I choose a long moving prayer for youth that set out beautifully the gifts he possesses and asks God to further assist him with eloquence and insight. I wish I had thought of it sooner because it was like slowly releasing the air from an over inflated balloon. It was not the panacea that changed his outlook but it shifted his thoughts briefly so that I could suggest that we talk again later in the week. I am grateful for our relationship and his ability to be honest with his feelings. Contrary to episodes of this character which happen sporadically, we have a close relationship, one in which we both feel free to communicate the truth of our hearts. This is a precious treasure. When the going gets thorny as it did earlier this week, I can remember the times when he has passionately expressed his gratitude for our relationship. I am eternally grateful that I could help him on this part of his journey. He was sent here by the Creator and has enabled me to learn and grow beside him.
Stress can have such a detrimental effect on how we cope with life's surprises. I had that happen just this week. An incident triggered me in the morning. Then in the afternoon another incident occurred. In normal circumstances I would have handled it much better but yesterday I was triggered big time. So, today, I am searching for that gratitude you mentioned. We all got through it and still love each other. Phew. So, yes, gratitude is what feeds our sense of well-being. It is so essential,.