As I navigate the choppy waters of setting a new routine for myself and all the grief that I am experiencing in letting go of the familiar and loved, I am grateful to be reminded that I do not have to weather all of this unsettling and uncomfortable process by my lonesome. Generosity reminds me that as I continue to give of myself, my time and attention to others, I may also let those who have offered also give of their time and attention to me so that I may express my discomfort and thereby access the innate ability I have to sort out my own difficulties. I always feel that I do not want to be a burden, to trouble others with my petty concerns in life and take their time away from other more important things. I have realised that when I take the time to articulate what is bothering me, honestly, then I open myself up to healing within. Truth be told, the doors of my heart have been swinging open and closed. I need to face the pain of just keeping them open despite all that has happened. To allow my heart to connect with what is around me in this new environment, to see the things that I am grateful for and sit with this attitude. These are strategies that have helped me in the past, have been tried and tested and work incredibly well. The internal battle waging inside of me is what I need to move through and find a way to bring about peace and calm once more. This is my very strong and persistent avoidant tendency. I am really just learning more about this and the subtlety of it sometimes eludes my detection. It has taken me this long to really admit that. This part of me that does not like change needs my soothing and tender attention as I coax it gently into accepting this new reality. Yesterday in my musing and in my virtues "how are you really" circle was the first opportunity I have given myself to express it. I realise that when we speak the truth about how it is we are feeling we are being generous to others. I expect this unequivocally from my family, my friends and co-workers but I never seem to put the responsibility and duty upon myself to do the same. I am not being generous to simply answer "fine" to people's enquiries about how I am doing and it is disingenuous when I really am not feeling that way. Therefore the abundance of feeling emotionally well is blocked as I am not enabling genuine connection to flow and fill me up. I have to open up fully to receive what my heart needs and if I am not willing to be generous in how I am really feeling then it stands to reason I will not receive what I need in return. Now there's a revelation I did not consider as I began typing! It will take me sometime to lift this very persistent and heavy cloud but the doors of clarity are opening.
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