Friendship is essential to my soul. In my bright line eating circles there is a focus on making connections with others, reaching out when things are going well, in order to condition oneself to make the connections when things are not going the way that I would like. I must admit that this I have found very challenging. There is in my mind a reticence around reaching out for support and companionship to others when I am feeling upset, anxious or sad. It seems to me such an imposition to burden someone else with my problems. Last weekend however I gave in to this and let myself bare my soul in a very ineloquent manner. I was overcome with sadness and grief for so many things and it had me stuck. I had one of those episodes where the tears and snot flowed copiously. My words were incoherent because my breathing was coming in fits and starts. After a painful hour of emptying my cup of anguish despite my swollen eyes, I was slowly able to access my smile in degrees. I realised that when I shared what was weighing heavily on my shoulders, I offered myself the ability to view the problem from another frame of reference, that of my friend's. With my blinkered and narrow focus things seemed impassable, unobtainable and bleak but when someone else asked a question, or gently offered a different interpretation of what occurred, it caused my brain to approach the issue anew. My view slowly opened up and admitted varying perspectives that were previously outside of my grasp. I do not think I had in the past surrendered to the benefits that friendship has to offer. I have not allowed myself to be truly vulnerable within its safe confines, frankly not trusting others. There is an arrogance that I harbour at times believing my brand of suffering to be so unique that others could not possibly understand but underneath this is a feeling that I am ashamed to reveal my imperfections, those gremlins that I strive to keep hidden from everyone fearing criticism and contempt. These are the feelings that I need to push aside and move through in the future to access the warmth of friendship. It transcends connection, though this is necessary to make a start. I took a chance and fell backward off a cliff and found solace for my heart in the arms of a friend.
We are birds of a feather, I think. It is so hard to let others see our vulnerability. For me it is a trust issue. On the other hand I am an empath and have always been able to support those is see in need. Not for me, though, I MUST be strong - NOT. It's a life-long lesson that has to be nurtured or it disappears again. We need each other, whether we admit it or not.