Change brings about an opportunity to progress in new and often surprising ways but also at the outset may bring some pain and sadness. Today my middle son took the giant and courageous step to move out from under our roof and live on his own. He had been very assertive about a year ago and informed me that he would be leaving home when he turned eighteen. I realise that I never really took this seriously and just thought it would be a natural transition as he would be attending university. He decided to work for a year and when the time came for us to move as a family and we found a place outside of our city, he was not pleased. His work, social sphere and leisure activities are intertwined with living in the city and he expressed a great deal of frustration at our moving further afield. It was a few weeks ago that he spoke about looking for somewhere to live. He found a place with an organisation that assists young people and took the initiative to register with them. And this morning he moved out. The realisation of it all hits hard and I did not expect it. However the farewell was loving, joyful and for at least a month he is not far away. He is going to learn responsibility, accountability and independence by doing these things without my tendency to control and hover. Our relationship will also undergo a transition as I, from a distance, refine my abilities and expand my capacity to parent a young adult. It is easy to focus on all of the mistakes I made in parenting him but I get a chance to face this new phase with enthusiasm and improve. I have heard Maya Angelou reflect on her mother and was surprised after reading "I know why the cage bird sings" that she was so full of accolades and love for someone who deserted her as a child. She acknowledged that her mother was a poor parent of young children but she came into her own as a parent of young adults. I had never viewed parenting in this way before, in being able to see one's limitations in certain stages and not as brush to taint the entire experience. I like this as it embraces the whole and does not allow me to characterize my whole parenting from the position of my failings, but from my strengths. To have it viewed in this way from a child's perspective is encouraging. I went back and looked at my own childhood reframing instances where I had experienced difficulty and applied this same lens. I may face the future with hope and determination to face this new opportunity, to strive to be my best, to give my very all to the relationship with my son and know that only good things will result.
We went through a similar experience with our daughter. It's hard to realise we are no longer their main source of support and inspiration. It's also hard to be silent when they make different choices from the ones we would like them to make.