This evening I will be joining in with a discussion on how to widen our circle of friendship. As I think about how to contribute to this discourse, I have been reflecting on the friends I have and how they came to be my friends. As I did this I thought about how a friendship is established and mutually sustained. People come together and meld their lives through conversation and when those discussions inevitably touch on the inner essence of who we are, trust is slowly enabled to be built, barriers melt away as hearts are opened to freely express genuine love and affection. To these relationships we bring all of who we are and to be authentic, our unpleasant side joins the party. Particularly when I feel that my heart is in a safe place. Which means that hearts get wounded by something that may be said or done. What then? Do I close off my heart and end the relationship? We see this as a very popular and socially acceptable response portrayed by the media and evidenced by our high divorce rates. I think that at such times I am being asked to practice endurance. To overlook faults and see the virtues that that heart possesses. This I know intellectually, but in the moment when my heart is wounded and in pain it takes time to access. What has been my experience is that in defence of my delicate heart, my tongue lashes out, wanting to inflict harm after having let down my defences and been left feeling exposed, vulnerable and frankly betrayed. But isn't this the whole purpose of the exercise? To tenderise a heart and when pierced by wayward darts to remain open? Being loving and accepting to that dear soul who is themselves, though perhaps not consciously, in need of tender love and affection. It feels that they deserve stern words and to be put in their place but then I am giving in to the demands of my ego. In such situations, once I have reflected on the incident, I have found that if people have not received love, tenderness and affection consistently, they do not understand how to offer it to others. When I respond kindly, gently and with exquisite patience to them after harsh and hurtful words, my attitude and words have an affect. Sometimes this is immediate, sometimes it takes time... a lot of time! I believe that this is not the purpose of the exercise though, the desired result is not the goal. The aim is to strengthen my ability to withstand adversity and hardship; it is my own spiritual development. Challenges in relationships are inevitable and there is a need at such times to see them as essential conditions in which trust and loyalty may grow and flourish. It is staying the course in the face of others' darts and meeting them with love. Every hard thing can be turned into glory.
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