"Strive as much as ye can to turn wholly toward the Kingdom, that ye may acquire innate courage and ideal power." ~ Abdu’l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Baha, p. 206.
I immediately saw the wisdom in the appearance of courage this morning. I have been reading and striving to return to love. It is fear that prevents me from embracing the living of life from a loving vantage point. I think I have been preoccupied with my limited understanding that love is what I can give that it must be an outward expression coming from me and being shared with others. This is an important aspect but there is more. What is harder is that love asks me to let go. To let go of the false beliefs I cling to that demand that love must look a certain way, be a certain thing and then it will be what I know that love is present. Living in this way keeps me in fear. Where fear is in my heart, love is barred from entering. It takes courage to be able to alter my view of the beliefs that operate as obstacles that keep me away from what I desire most, and see instead potential stepping stones to return to love. Take for example my youngest son. At the moment he is in that hectic period of his life where he must focus on his academic studies and apply for courses of further education. This is area of my son's lives that I have always been heavily involved in. In the past I have helped with identifying universities and suggesting courses, helping with editing the all important personal statement and helping them prepare for interviews. My son mentioned a few weeks ago that he had prepared drafts and was going to share it with his english teacher. In my head I was saying, "what about me?". Fear came up and with it sadness that he did not trust me. I chose not to respond at that moment knowing that these reactionary emotions were not to be trusted. When I go through this exercise of flipping being untrustworthy to knowing that I am trustworthy and that it is a virtue I innately posses if opens me up to new possibilities. I am thankful that he has a community to help him to move through this important phase of his life. As I leaned into the courage to see that I was trustworthy, I was able to give my son the space he needed. The following week he bombarded me with questions about his personal statement. It was difficult to stand back initially, but it was a part of his process of preparing for the future. It was an act of sacrifice to not hover and be in the forefront of this exercise. I must let him lead the process and this does not mean that he does not love me, it simply means I can give him space and this is loving him. It is tearing away of this false belief and replacing it with certainty that he is a human being in the process of opening up to his true capacity. I had to shift my focus from how he should love me to how I may love him. This is the beautiful invitation courage offers.
Letting go is so hard. I went through something similar when my son met his wife-t-be. All of a sudden I was not his primary support. It was healthy for him but I still struggle to be OK with it.