Day 7 of the Fast
Today is the 25th anniversary of my very first birthing day. I have been thinking about that day long ago and the person I was, dealing with life as it presented itself to me then. The life skills at my disposal were few and I made many, many mistakes. What bubbled up for me were the mistakes, the shame around them and how I could reconcile and accept them today. It is easy to look back with wisdom acquired as a result of those experiences and blame myself for not knowing and being who I am today. Many of my missteps and hesitations today are directly related to happenings that generate feelings that keep me in a negative feedback. As I thought about them I realised that I still ran the tape of those old stories because I have not forgiven myself for who I was back then. But what I do know for sure is that I could not be who I am today without being who I was then. The question I posed today because I no longer wish to be held back was: how may who I am today forgive who I was yesterday? It does take an inordinate amount of courage to go back down memory lane with out judgement and fear to acknowledge the pain of what was and to realise that it will never be any different to what it was. To now see the hidden treasures that lay in those experiences that were so necessary to develop qualities that are so valuable today. If things were different I would not have the life I am eternally grateful to be living today. What courage has gifted me with this morning is an opportunity to identify and focus on those instances in my past when I picked myself up and demonstrated determination by moving through a challenge. I risked my comfort, did not give up and was supported by courage to take the next step even when I did not want to. I made it through difficulties to the possibilities that lay on the other side when advised against it. My heart is brave. I see how life continues to offer invitations and where I will need the support of courage to carry me through as it has dependably done all my life. Growing and developing will constantly place me in situations where I will be uncomfortable. I want to develop the courage to cultivate awareness of and reliance on the forces that operate in waiting, patience and inactivity. Hoping to spread my wings.
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