Over the past week I have been isolating and harbouring my loneliness, wallowing in a story that I played over and over again believing it to be true. As I emerge from the darkness with the practices of cooperation, it is becoming clear that seeking out connection, partnering with others, asking for help and trusting in the power of unity would have been more productive ways to have dealt with the negativity being spewed by the committee in my head. This week in my positive intelligence course I am identifying the insidious ways that I am hijacked by judging myself, others and circumstances. I guess I felt that as I had addressed this issue in my previous run through in the course, that my judge tendencies had diminished to a manageable level and I would not have to go back to feeling so bad about myself. How arrogant that was and frankly fueled the whole process. On reflection, I see that when fed an abundance of feeling inadequate and negative about myself, the power of my judge was revived and strengthened while I thought I was doing ok and managing it. It has sneaky, tricky and stealthy ways in which it goes about stealing joy and spreading despair. As always there is a lesson in it all. Last week I was under a spell of rejection and what I perceived as an insurmountable obstacle to moving forward with work I want to do. I reached out for help a few days ago, disbelieving that anything would come out of it. I am happy to report I was wrong in my judge-y assessment of the situation and I have found instead a path that accords seamlessly with work I love doing. As painful as the process was it was not in vain but an opening to new possibilities. So here I am emerging from the cocoon ready to take on the world and show them the beauty of what I have to offer.
It's a constant struggle. Hugs.