On Sunday I made a commitment to a friend to write a FaceBook post in the Bright Line Eating Community about an experience that I had had toward the beginning of this isolating phase we are in. I was excited to do it as my friend and I were reflecting on the insights I was having and how this was so conducive to learning about healing from disordered eating. Yesterday the words just would not come and I was having thoughts about not doing it. What could my reflections do for others? No one would even read it or consider what I had to say as relevant, I thought. This morning as phrases popped up for me in meditation, I figured that this was the motivation I needed to sit down and just let the words pour out of me. It would be an aid to my own recovery and what people had to say or not say ought not to be a concern of mine. So before writing this post, I did just that. It has been a while since I have posted in that group and I found that I was quite nervous hitting the Post button and baring my soul to the ether. Then I realised that that is exactly what I do here. I am not completely aware of how many people read these musings but this is about me deepening my understanding and practices of the virtues rather than exciting and amusing an audience. (It is funny because I can be brash and brave in writing that but as the notifications pop up from Facebook about comments and reactions to my post, I am curious to see what people think.) I kept my agreement and there is a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment that springs from this simple act.
If you want to read my post, I have set it out below...
Three weeks ago, nearer the beginning of this distancing and escalating practices of hygiene in public places, I made the choice to pick up that old soothing technique of turning to food for solace, comfort and tranquility. As this is a progressive state of affairs for me, my binges were worse than they had ever been before and it surprised me how quickly I descended into a lethargic and slothful state.
As I have had cause to reflect on that time (just a short while ago) with BLE friends, I noticed something new. I noticed how much influence my behaviour had on those in my household. My boys food choices also deteriorated, they had no inclination to want to do activities outdoors and chose to vegetate (like me) in front of their devices, numbing out. The whole atmosphere in my home was thick with odour of my overeating. Interactions between us were few and negative as I make efforts to isolate from everyone. With the help of likeminded friends I had been maintaining and reluctantly connected with during this time, I slowly rose up from the dirt of the ditch to find the road. This experience is behind me, but this effect on my family haunts me. Being isolated at home and having the constant association of one another has made me realise that although this was a potent example of the effect I have on others, it existed before. I was reckless and heedless of this effect but it was always there. Conversely, now that I am making my bright lines a priority, the choices my boys and my husband are making are healthier, not just food wise but overall. The environment at home is lighter and joyful. As I heal and walk this road of recovery, I am reminded to practice humility, responsibility and awareness around how my behaviour impacts others. My choices have consequences that extend far beyond my own body. There is hope for me as I learn from this life lesson.
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