Accountability

beauty on higher ground

I woke up this morning thinking a lot about building unity and the work that goes into bringing this about in a very real sense. I found I was exasperated that all of my efforts seemed to be having little to no effect. What was I doing wrong? What was the right thing to say and do? I was thinking about and praying for the opening in the hearts of others. The question I posed was: what virtue do I need to assist me in building unity? I read the card and was puzzled, how did accountability relate to unity? I trust in the synchronicity of the appearance of the virtues so I knew I needed to take a moment and sit with the card, opening to the clarity that would soon appear. I listened to some short talks to help crystalise this for me and then some thoughts began to coalesce. When I focus on the changes that others need to make, I am projecting a need to get results from what it is I am saying or doing. Accountability brings that focus around to me, am I doing all I can and being all I can in the pursuit of unity? This gave me a moment of pause and then I realised that I am not responsible for how people may respond to what I say or do, my only responsibility is to ensure that my speech and behaviour is infused with a sense of unity. If it is not, then I am fueling a situation that will only get further and further out of hand. We rely heavily on our ability to communicate our feelings. I have to admit that I am a very poor communicator of my feelings when I do not take the time to sit with them, feel them and give expression to them first in my own head. When I shoot from the hip about things that I feel strongly about, I am not able to express exactly how I am feeling and thus relay poorly what I mean. In a world that demands things instantly, I feel compelled to say something and then once I have contributed often feel that it was entirely inadequate or lacking the depth of what it is I feel. My brain is a slow comprehender of information and I very often experience a deeper understanding when I have taken the time to let thoughts marinate, to find some Holy Scripture to meditate on that enables me to think about it from a more broader perspective rather than the narrow confines of my own limited thinking and experiences. When I am quiet or slow to respond I feel people think I have some mental defect. I am not quick witted but more of a thinker. I am remembering a dear friend of mine who would often pause quietly, for a long and uncomfortable amount of time, after being asked a question. When people entered into conversation with him and did not know him they would often impatiently ask; "did you hear me?" He would respond very gently, "I am thinking." and then proceed to sit quietly. The effect of this was very powerful. It slowed down the questioner's thoughts, it added a degree of reverence and patience to the conversation and it had the effect of allowing the questioner to know that they were being heard on a deep and meaningful level. I have not thought about this dear friend in a while and their calming manner of conversing. It is an ingenious and subtle way of building unity. As I continue to reflect on accountability I am certain that I will orient my thoughts away from what others are doing and focus more on the ways that I can be a stronger, more unifying force. When I am wrapped up in what others may say or do I am ensnared in that prison of self that traps my own effectiveness and ability to show forth love and acceptance. I am grateful for the lessons that accountability has caused to bring to the surface today and am open to the learning that can modify my living.